


I'm sorry

by Monochrome_maiden



Category: Video Blogging & YouTube RPF
Genre: I'm noooot sorry, M/M, My First AO3 Post, Self-Harm, Triggers, don't hate, pls don't hate, slight angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-03
Updated: 2014-07-03
Packaged: 2018-02-07 07:11:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,033
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1889709
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Monochrome_maiden/pseuds/Monochrome_maiden
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Basically they have a tinsy fight that drags out into something slightly huge and idk how to write summaries so just read the first two lines of the goddamn thing and see if you want to continue. Based on my rp with www.doilooklikeicareatall.tumblr.com</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'm sorry

Cry didn't know how things got so fucked up. They were just cuddling minutes ago, and then suddenly Pewdie got upset. And then Cry got frustrated because Pewdie wouldn't tell him what was wrong. And then he just got so frustrated that he just walked off to the bathroom to calm himself down, scratching at his wrists. And then he passed out.

When he woke up, he could hear unstable laughing, like some poor patient from an asylum was laughing because they finally lost it. The blood from the re-opened wounds on his wrist had dried up. He tried to stand up and the laughing continued. 

And then Cry remembered that Pewdie had something called "multiple personality disorder" or something along the lines of that.  
And now, he has found himself banging loudly on the door of the computer room. It seems like that room was where Pewdie would always lock himself in when he wanted to draw ines on his wrist with a blade.

"Please open the door Pewds!"

"You'll stop me though. You don't want me, yet you'll stop me. Guess the carpet can't handle much more blood."

And here he hears a 'hiss'. Must have cut himself more. At this point, Cry had pretty much convinced himself that it was all his fault and he lets the tears fall. 

"Just come out! Please come out! I'm sorry! I'm sorry..."

And he slumps down the door and pulls his knees to his chest, mumbling apologies over and over again. The door opened slowly and Cry looks over his shoulder, eyes scanning over Pewdie's arms until they fall onto his left arm.

It was shredded and blood was oozing out of the wounds. The blood trickled down his arm, to his palm, to the tip of his fingers and onto the carpet.

"There. I opened the door. See?"

Pewdie gestures at his shredded left arm.

"You should have just left me there to die. I'm worth about that much anyway!"

And then he just starts giggling manically.

Cry was scared. So scared. There was so much blood and his brain just started panicking. His eyes traveled to the carpet and there was a huge stain on it and there was so much blood and the metallic stench was so strong.

He immediately stands up, knocks the blood-stained penknife out of Pewdie's hands and just hugs him tightly.

"I'm sorry, I know it's my fault, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, please forgive me, I'm so sorry..."

Pewdie breaks and collapses into Cry's arms and starts sobbing.

"I-I'm so sorry Cry...fuck...I'm sorry...please don't hate me anymore, I can't t-take it...I know it's not an excuse...you have all the right in the world to hate me. I just don't know h-how long I could live without you...please forgive me..."

Here, he returns the hug, whimpering from the pain from his arm. But Cry doesn't hear him. Cry was too shaken from the shear amount of blood to notice anything but the blood on the carpet and the blood that was slowly seeping into his shirt. 

He continues to apologize for something that even he himself is not sure about. Pewdie starts stroking Cry's hair with his good hand.  
"Please..Cry...I forgive you...just don't hate me anymore.."

But Cry doesn't hear that either. Besides, he has never hated Pewdie before. 

"I...is...is your arm...painful? D-do you...need to go to the hospital...? D-do you feel l-light headed...?"

"No, I'm fine. As long as you're here, I'll be fine..."

Cry releases Pewdie and gingerly holds Pewdie's injured arm. He examines he cuts, letting a few more tears escape.

"T-this happened b-because of me...right?"

"...I-I overreacted."

"B-but...it's still because o-of me...right...?

"....In....In a way..."

Pewdie hugs him again, tighter this time.

"D-don't do anything stupid....please....I thought you hated me....I just get like that when I'm in that frame of mind. It's not your fault, PLEASE don't do anything stupid..."

Cry, too shaken to process any of the words other than the words "In a way", breaks down, sobbing into his hands, slowly backing away from Pewdie.

"It's all because of me...I'm a horrible person...I caused this...I...I...I did this....I'm sorry...I'm sorry..."

Pewdie processes this move as Cry wanting to leave him and goes after him, grabbing his arm and pulling him close, hugging him tightly.

"Cry! Please! Don't do this to me...Please don't go. You didn't cause this. I just overreacted because you wouldn't tell me something I didn't need to know. None of this was your fault..please..I need you to stay with me more than anything right now...don't go...please don't leave me Cry..."

Cry then starts sobbing loudly.

"I'm sorry..."

Pewdie holds him tighter, kissing him softly to quiet him down.

"I know, sweetheart. I forgive you..."

Pewdie pulls away, gently wiping away Cry's tears with his thumb.

"It's okay, sweetheart. Everything is okay."

"NO! NOTHING'S OKAY! I caused this and...a-and you might...die...from blood loss because of me!"

Pewdie hushes him, softly stroking his hair and wiping away the tears that continuously stream out of his boyfriend's eyes.

"Shh....that doesn't matter. All that matters is that we're both still here. I'm still here, and I love you more than anything in this world. I love you, and I'm fine."

Cry couldn't stop looking at Pewdie's arm. He stared at it until he felt uncomfortable and he buried his face in Pewdie's shoulder, crying silently. Pewdie noticed this and rubbed Cry's back soothingly.

"Do you want me to patch it up, honey? It looks like it's upsetting you..."

"Y-yeah..."

Pewdie picked him up and carried him to the bathroom, setting him down on the rim of the bathtub and kissed his forehead.  
"Stay there, I'll fix it."

Pewdie takes the first aid kit from under the sink and starts disinfecting and bandaging his arm, wincing at times. Cry looked at Pewdie's arm again. He couldn't help it. Somehow, his head wanted him to feel as guilty as possible. 

Pewdie notices Cry looking at his arm again and smiles softly at him. He gently takes Cry's face in his hands and turns Cry's face to look at his own face.  
"Don't look at it, sweetie. I don't want to upset you any more than I already have.."

Cry stares at his face for a while before nodding slowly and looking away. Pewdie stroked his cheek softly and wiped away the remaining tears.  
"Don't be sad, sweetheart...I'll be okay."

Cry sniffed softly and continued to look away. He didn't want to face Pewdie. He made Pewdie do...that to his arm.

"Do you want me to take you back to bed..? Or would you rather I left you alone...?"

"Y-you can go do whatever you want. I...I'll be fine here..."

"...No. I'm not letting you out of my sight right now. You're coming back up to bed, whether you want to or not, because I'm not risking you hurting yourself."

Cry sighed because he didn't have a choice and stood up and walked to the bedroom. Pewdie followed behind him, trying not to stumble. Cry looked back at Pewdie and couldn't help but take a glance at his arm. It was still bleeding and the blood was slowly seeping through the bandaging..

Cry finally reached the bedroom and flops down onto the bed, sighing softly. Pewdie sat next to him, stroking Cry's hand absently.

"I promise, everything's okay.."

Cry looked away sadly.

"Don't you believe me...?"

Cry shook him head slightly.

"Why...?"

"It's obvious Pewds. Your arm looked horrible. The carpet was covered in blood. It's obvious you're not okay."

Pewdie looked away guiltily.

"I...I'm fine.."

Cry shook his head, sighing softly and then rolling over so Pewdie can't see his face.

"You're not okay Pewds...It's obvious. Go play with the cats or something...I-I..."

Cry couldn't get his words out and he just started crying silently. Pewdie laid down and curled up next to him.

"I don't want to play with the cats. I want to talk to you. Please, just look at me so we can talk about this. I don't want you to shut me out, love."

"I'm the reason this happened...why do you want to talk to me..?"

"I want to talk to you because I love you, and don't want to see you like this. So please..look at me. I need to see your face. I need to see you, and make you smile, and make you forget about your troubles."

Cry sniffled softly, hesitantly rolling back. Pewdie smiled softly and kissed his forehead, cheeks and the tip of his nose.

"There's my beautiful boy. Tell me what I can do to help, to make you feel better. I'll do anything you want."

"..."

"Please, anything I can do, I will."

"I...I don't know what I want."

Pewdie was taken aback by how small Cry's voice sounded. Like the voice of a lost child. So lost, confused, scared. He stroked Cry's hair calmingly, earning a small sound from Cry.

"Well, if you need anything at all, just tell me, and if I can do it, I will."

"...why are you doing this..? I hurt you...a-and yet...you still...do this for me..."

"I thought you'd get this by now, sweetie. I love you more than anything, and nothing will ever make me want to leave you. I'll admit, you did hurt me. But not nearly enough to ever make me consider leaving you when you're sad. And I never will.I'll stay by your side for as long as you want me to."

Cry only felt more guilt after hearing Pewdie say that. He hurt his boyfriend, and yet it was his boyfriend that had to care for him.

"Cry...what do you want me to do to convince you that I love you, and wouldn't leave you for anything?"

Cry shrugged. Surely there would be something that would make Pewdie leave him one day. So there really was no point getting his heart broken over a broken promise, now was there? Pewdie leaned forward and kissed him softly.

"Everything will be fine with time, sweetheart."

Cry sighed softly, having nothing to say to that, and hugged Pewdie softly, gaining a hug back. Feeling mentally exhausted from the events and from all the crying, Cry slowly fell asleep. Pewdie held Cry closer.

"I'm so sorry I scared you. I promise that it will all be okay. I love you, darling, ad I always will."

Pewdie hugged Cry slightly tighter for a few moments before he, too, fell asleep.

 

-next morning-

 

Cry woke up slightly. Apparently, Pewdie had already woken up and smiled at him groggily.

"A-are you okay...?"

"Just fine, sweetie."

"D-do you...need anything...?"

"Just you."

"Anything e-else...?"

Pewdie shook his head and snuggled closer to Cry, nuzzling his neck. Cry moved away slightly, gaining a confused look from his boyfriend.

"W-what is it, Cry..?"

"...I...hurt you...w-why do you...still want me...?"

"Because I love you, Cry. All I'll ever want is you. I wish you could see that."

"..."

"....I don't want you to regret being with me, Cry."

"I...I don't deserve any of this. I...I made you do that."

Cry glances at Pewdie's arm. The bleeding as stopped and now the bandage is just stained with the reddish-brown liquid.

"I caused that. I'm the reason why that's on your arm."

Cry could feel the stinging at the back of his arm. He sniffed softly.

"I'm a horrible person, Pewds...why do you want me?"

Pewdie sighed softly. He was slightly annoyed at his boyfriend's repeated assumption that he hated him but he was determined to make his boyfriend think otherwise.

"Because I love you. Every time I see you smile, my heart skips a beat. I know it's cliche, but it's true. Even at my worst, you still care for me. And when you're at your worst, all I want to do is help you. I love you more than anything. I'll always want you around and I will tell you so every time you ask until it sinks in."

Cry sniffled softly and looked away. He couldn't understand how Pewdie's head works. He hurt him. With most people, he would already be staring out of the window, watching his ex packing their stuff into a cab. But Pewdie was still laying next to him.

"Why do you keep doing that, Cry?"

"Doing what?"

"Looking away."

"...B-because I don't deserve any of this.."

"But you do!"

Pewdie hugged him tightly, forcing out some air from Cry's lungs.

"You deserve it so much. You took me from my shitty apartment and took me somewhere that I now never want to leave. When we were visiting your brother, you called this out house, and I'd never been so happy. I love this place, with the coffeemaker and the cats, Mad on the couch and the broken lock on the bathroom door..but most of all, I love you. And you deserve to be loved, more than anyone I know."

Cry was overwhelmed by the amount of praise and didn't know how to respond. So he just smiled slightly. Pewdie looked at him sadly.

"Why do you think that you don't deserve it..?"

Cry glances at Pewdie's arm again. Images of what happened the previous night flashed in his head and he flinched, but not obvious enough for pewdie to notice. Pewdie stroked his cheek softly.

"That's not something you should worry about. It was my fault, and you shouldn't pay it any mind."

Now he was blaming himself? Cry was confused. Pewdie should be angry at him now, not hugging him and comforting him and taking the blame for him. He should be shouting at him or hiting him or yelling abuse at him. Not comforting him. 

Pewdie should have been blaming every bad thing in his life on him. Poor Cry was so scared and confused. He felt the sting in his eyes, the slight breathlessness and then the wetness of the tears streaming down his cheeks.

"If you need to cry, cry on me. It's alright. I'll comfort you, love."

Poor Cry was so confused and guilt ridden. So he starts sobbing as quietly as possible. Pewdie held him closer, stroking his back softly.

"I-it feels horrible...l-like everything's my fault..."

"It isn't, love. Nothing is ever ALWAYS someone's fault. Sometimes it may be your fault, but it could also be my fault too. And someone else's. So don't feel like everything is your fault, love, because it definitely isn't."

Pewdie stroked Cry's hair softly. When Cry tried to stop crying, Pewdie held him closer.

"Honey, cry for as long as you need to. We can just sit here until you calm down."

Pewdie felt his boyfriend's shoulders shake, tears seeping through his shirt and onto his skin. He stroked Cry's back softly, murmuring soft comforting words. It's okay. I'm alright. Everything's alright.

It was only after an hour when Cry managed to calm down.

"You alright now, love?"

"Y-yeah..."

And at that moment, both their stomachs growled, complaining about the lack of food that it was having.

"You want to go down to the kitchen, love? I'll make some breakfast."

"Okay."

They both headed to the kitchen. The cats, Sally and Ben, heard their owners and quickly scampered to them, meowing loudly and circling their legs, occasionally nudging Cry and Pewdie's legs with their heads.

Cry went off to get the cats their food and water while Pewdie made french toasts. After feeding the cats, Cry went to boil some water. He tip-toed to reach the cabinet where Pewdie kept the coffee. He reached the bottle of ground coffee beans, only to find that it was empty.

Tea, then. He thought. He grabbed the box of tea bags and put one in each cup. He waited for the water to boil before pouring the boiling water into the cups, being extra careful not to get the boiling water onto his hand (he accidentally splashed boiling water onto his hand and he poured quite the amount of oiling water onto his hand. He didn't want that happening again.)

He left the tea bags in the water for 5 minutes, taking the tea bags out after the 5 minutes before the tea leaves got 'stewed'. He added 2 teaspoons of sugar into each cup and added some milk. When he turned around to set the mugs onto the table, he caught Pewdie staring at him. Apparently the french toast was done.

Cry blushed slightly (he always blushed very easily) and set the mugs down on the table. They ate in extremely awkward silence and after they finished, Cry collected all the dishes and placed them in the dishwasher.

"Wanna watch telly?"

"Okay."

Cry took both mugs to the living room and set them down on the coffee table.

They switched the tv on and flipped through channels, eventually settling for AXN. Apparently they had CSI on and Pewdie wanted to watch it. Halfway through the show, Pewdie was startled when Cry gently took Pewdie's injured arm in his hands and kissed the wrist softly.

"I'm sorry. I won't let it happen again, Pewds."

"...Cry...you don't have to keep apologizing. I forgive you..."

Cry closed his eyes and nuzzled his head into Pewdie's hand.

"I'm sorry, anyway."  
"Well, don't be. Even if I haven't forgiven you, I love you too much to hate you forever."

Cry murmured something under his breath with a solemn expression on his face before quickly masking it with a relaxed expression.

"So...you're not angry at me?"

"No, of course not, love."

"Okay."

Cry kissed the top of Pewdie's hand and entwined it with his own hand. He made a soft, happy sound at the back of his throat, slightly similar to a purr of sorts, and laid his head on Pewdie's shoulder.

Pewdie smiled slightly. Looks like thing would be okay...well, for now at least.


End file.
